Overcome Approval Seeking in Dating
Approval seeking in dating means molding yourself to what you think they want, laughing at jokes you don't find funny, agreeing with opinions you don't share, hiding parts of yourself you fear they won't like. The result: they fall for a version of you that isn't real. When the real you emerges, the relationship may falter. CBT helps you tolerate the discomfort of being authentic, and discover that the right people prefer the real you.
- Authenticity predicts relationship satisfaction and longevity
- Approval-seeking correlates with anxiety and low self-worth
- Behavioral experiments show most people respond positively to authenticity
Why We Seek Approval in Dating
Core belief: 'If they see the real me, they won't like me.' This belief drives performance, being the person you think they want. It's exhausting and unsustainable. CBT challenges this: What's the evidence? Have you ever been rejected for being authentic? Often, the fear exceeds the reality. And when someone doesn't like the real you, that's useful information, they're not your person.
Practicing Authenticity
Start with low-stakes disclosure: share an opinion that might differ from theirs. 'I actually prefer X.' Notice the outcome. Most of the time, nothing bad happens, sometimes they appreciate the honesty. Build to bigger disclosures. The goal isn't to overshare immediately; it's to stop performing and start showing up as yourself. ConfidenceConnect's thought records help you identify what you're hiding and why.
When Authenticity Feels Risky
It does feel risky, you might be rejected. But approval-seeking has a cost too: relationships built on performance rarely last. The right person will like the real you. The wrong person will reveal themselves when you're authentic. Either way, you're better off knowing.
Frequently Asked Questions
- How do I know what's 'authentic' vs. just being difficult?
- Authenticity means expressing your genuine preferences, values, and feelings, not performing or people-pleasing. It doesn't mean being rude or inflexible. You can be authentic and still compromise; the difference is you're choosing to compromise, not defaulting to their preference out of fear.
- What if I've been performing for months?
- It's never too late to shift. You might have a conversation: 'I've realized I've been holding back. I want to show you more of who I really am.' Some partners appreciate this. If they don't respond well, that's information about the relationship.